University of North Carolina, Asheville

10 Apr 2009. The Berkeley of the East. So that nickname turns a lot of people off, fine. How about Lovely Country Home of Antiqueing and Cracker Barrel Bingo Tournaments? Better now? Give hippies a chance. And don't pass up a chance to visit the Biltmore. But I'm no architecture fan...I'm a dip fan. The Biltmore produces the tastiest bacon dip you will ever spill on your cravat.

"You filthy son of a whore!"
Hatchback dodged a lanyard of keys.
"Listen, Moonbeam, I don't know how this happened!"
"Like Hell you don't! It's that stick figure at your pizza shop. I bet she's loaded with all sorts of diseases."
"Suzette? I would never do anything with her. She has bacne."
"Oh really? Bacne? And how would you know that?"
"Uhhhh...."

Moonbeam was angry. Double angry. She recently learned she had contracted hepatitis, but what really ticked her off was her boyfriend Hatchback cheating on her. She found out of her new malady from UNCA's student blood drive. When she and Hatchback started dating, they both had their blood tests to make sure they were clean. An quick and dirty way to build third-party-administered trust, like a pre-nup for people who are just messin' around. Now all of a sudden they both tested positive. Moonbeam had plenty of conspiracy theories and they all included a blonde cashier at The Baked Bambino named Suzette.

"I never should have let you start working there!"

Neither Suzette nor Hatchback were to blame though. They were simply coworkers where Suzette's bacne was a running gag. Moonbeam's was a classic case of jealousy. No, the culprit was The Baked Bambino.
Bambino's kitchen had long housed many culinary viruses. The most potent was the hepatitis swimming in the marinara. Endless relationships had come crashing down thanks to pizza hepatitis.
Moonbeam got over Hatchback quickly. She found her rebound in the student chapter of Amnesty International. But her tool of revenge, Jason Minks, was no saint either. He joined Amnesty and adopted the name Waffles to get to the loose hippie chicks. Moonbeam and Waffles deserved each other.
As the cycle continued, condom manufacturers shed a tear all the way to the bank.

This round baking sheet-shaped plaque on UNCA's quad raises awareness for pizza hepatitis.

University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill

1 Sep 2007. Big ol' tumbler from Kenan Stadium.

The state of North Carolina got its nickname when Queen Caroline, visiting the American continent, stepped in a pile of oxen manure. Since the epithet "ox s*** heeled" did not roll off the tongue and was also quite vulgar, the euphemism "tar heeled" was how Caroline described her dreadful visit. The colonists decided to take back the insult and proudly use it as their own. The Queen, offended (she was perpetually offended), would have nothing more to do with the place and ordered a new colonial charter that named the Carolinas after King Charles instead: Charleyshire. Charles asked with a roll of his regal eyes, "What in the name of consumptive dysentery does an illiterate farming village matter to you? It might be named Cackalacky for all I care!" A royal passenger pigeon carried the news to the New World. The colonists happily adopted this new nonsense phrase into their vocabularium. This triple dose of shock proved too much for poor Caroline. She died in 1737. National mourning failed to commence. Today, the Tar Heel State has adopted offensive habits (e.g., baby blue) as a continuation of this nose-thumbing to authority.

Appalachian State University

9 Sept 2006. Our football team was making a trip down to Boone, North Carolina. It was about a six hour car ride. Well, it was supposed to be, but it ended up being a six hour bus ride. Unfortunately my two tripmates bailed and I had to scramble to find a way down to what was sure to be a classic gridiron battle. Fortunately I quickly learned of a student bus trip that had one seat left. Unfortunately App State won, and the timing of the itinerary did not afford time to hustle into the bookstore. Fortunately I met my main squeeze on the bus ride and her friend brought one for me on our next meeting. They could not have picked a better cup. The bright yellow and polygonal design makes it stand out and on the reverse is the 2006 football schedule, helping future drinkware carbon-daters. The "Go For 2" is referring to ASU football gunning for their second consecutive national championship in division I-AA (now called FCS). They certainly did go for it. A third time the following season as well. Three national titles later, they finally got knocked off by Richmond in December 2008.

Be sure to see why Appalachian State is Hot, Hot, Hot!

University of North Carolina, Wilmington

15 Nov 2004. "The Dub" lies on a flat, sandy, pine-stippled expanse on the east side of the port town of Wilmington. Their seahawk logo needs work, they need cash, and they belong to an indifferent athletic conference (the CAA's feeling may be fueled by Dub lacking that big money sport, American football). But a school cannot buy the priceless beach location - and the beach bodies - that make up the campus here. I chose my first rocks glass of the CCP, which later broke in transit. It was replaced on a subsequent trip back to North Carolina with the first coffee mug. Good thing though, that rocks glass was seriously unattractive. The moulding was fine but on it was etched an outline of 'UNCW' in fugly block letters that did not resemble any typeface the school has ever used. No photo survives to this day.

University of North Carolina at Greensboro

Early March 2004. The air was moist but it was hard to tell whether its source was natural or artificial. The young Spartans were away on their semester-splitting spring break. With the extra breathing room the maintenance staff was working double time to replace worn grass with bright new turf, soaked to the gills from misting sprinklers. The rolls of lawn were not the only thing about the campus that felt brand new; there was construction all over the place. I was visiting on official business, an odd location to hold a convention to be sure, but UNCG had just opened a massive addition to the student center and was eager to show off its newest asset. Even though classes were out of session, the university bookstore was open, thankfully, as I could not imagine the next time I would pass through G-Bo. Also lucky was the fact that UNCG, relatively unknown compared to the other schools I had visited, carried the same style of tumbler. This company gets around! Later the struggle to find the same cup led me to expand into mugs, shotglasses, etc. But for now, the collection of five stacked together quite neatly.