University of North Carolina, Asheville

10 Apr 2009. The Berkeley of the East. So that nickname turns a lot of people off, fine. How about Lovely Country Home of Antiqueing and Cracker Barrel Bingo Tournaments? Better now? Give hippies a chance. And don't pass up a chance to visit the Biltmore. But I'm no architecture fan...I'm a dip fan. The Biltmore produces the tastiest bacon dip you will ever spill on your cravat.

"You filthy son of a whore!"
Hatchback dodged a lanyard of keys.
"Listen, Moonbeam, I don't know how this happened!"
"Like Hell you don't! It's that stick figure at your pizza shop. I bet she's loaded with all sorts of diseases."
"Suzette? I would never do anything with her. She has bacne."
"Oh really? Bacne? And how would you know that?"
"Uhhhh...."

Moonbeam was angry. Double angry. She recently learned she had contracted hepatitis, but what really ticked her off was her boyfriend Hatchback cheating on her. She found out of her new malady from UNCA's student blood drive. When she and Hatchback started dating, they both had their blood tests to make sure they were clean. An quick and dirty way to build third-party-administered trust, like a pre-nup for people who are just messin' around. Now all of a sudden they both tested positive. Moonbeam had plenty of conspiracy theories and they all included a blonde cashier at The Baked Bambino named Suzette.

"I never should have let you start working there!"

Neither Suzette nor Hatchback were to blame though. They were simply coworkers where Suzette's bacne was a running gag. Moonbeam's was a classic case of jealousy. No, the culprit was The Baked Bambino.
Bambino's kitchen had long housed many culinary viruses. The most potent was the hepatitis swimming in the marinara. Endless relationships had come crashing down thanks to pizza hepatitis.
Moonbeam got over Hatchback quickly. She found her rebound in the student chapter of Amnesty International. But her tool of revenge, Jason Minks, was no saint either. He joined Amnesty and adopted the name Waffles to get to the loose hippie chicks. Moonbeam and Waffles deserved each other.
As the cycle continued, condom manufacturers shed a tear all the way to the bank.

This round baking sheet-shaped plaque on UNCA's quad raises awareness for pizza hepatitis.

Liberty University

29 Dec 2006. Liberty is in Lynchburg in what may be fairly termed the middle of nowhere, Virginia. But for the middle of nowhere it has about thirty-seven colleges and universities, maybe more by the time you read this. And for the M.O.N. it's hard to get around. It is even difficult just to drive straight through and not end up headed toward Appomattox Court House. Nothing wrong with the historical site of Lee's surrender but how often in your life are you gunning to see it, ya reenacting weirdo? LU is some kind of evangelical Christian school - probably Jesuit - and I find it chuckleworthy that locals call their indoor arena the Jesus Dome.
Just like when Northeastern joined the CAA and added red to the school color repertoire, I was more excited than necessary to find a big red tumbler from the Big South. My thoughts now turn to Clifford the Big Red Dog. I imagine a small gas powered tractor, not unlike the ones on golf driving ranges, retrofitted with a shovel implement to clean up after his messes. And just who manufactures these huge custom shovels? Somewhere in small town USA, an entire mini-economy is dependent on giant dog waste.