30 August 2010
Sacred Heart University
16 Nov 2009. Whoa! Caught in the lunch rush of a normal school day! Youthful pedestrians everywhere! Now this is the buzz, the pulse, the lifeblood, the soul, the spirit, the energy, the sacred heart of a campus.
"Trevor! How's the priesthood!! Any hot nuns?"
"Ah, it's hard to tell. With the robes and all."
"Say hi to the hot nuns for me when you figure it out. Getting used to the northeast yet?"
"It's Fairfield, Connecticut. It's as exciting as it sounds. But I'm getting on all right. But you! I hear you're a TV star! Tell me all about that. I finally have some time."
Ish laughed. "TV star?? I spent a few weeks in BFE Iowa. It was fun but I'm no star."
"Iowa...what kind of show is this in Iowa? Nature show?"
"Reality show. You never heard of The Real World?"
Trevor lied. "Ah, the TV show? Yeah I think so. So...did you win?"
"There's not really a winner, but, yes I won. Wink wink. MTV can recruit some fine looking talent...not to rub it all in your face, Father van Ness. I still don't see how you can go without the women."
"You're not rubbing it in my face, you know, it's part of my commitment. But I'm not a 'Father' yet, so you can still call me Trevor until then. In fact, I'd prefer it."
"Good, that sounded weird the moment I said it. When you get promoted to Pope, then I'll call you Father. Or Padre. Yeah, I like Padre."
"Pope?? Hold on now - "
"But if I call you Trevor, can you stick with calling me Ish? Ishmael is too formal."
"Isn't that your name?"
"You're the last one that still calls me Ish!"
A call of distress interrupted the old friends.
"DEACOOOOOOOOOOON! Deacon, I need you!"
Ish asked, "Who's that? What's going on?"
"Ah, one of the nuns. Probably Sister Mary."
"Ha, nuns in trouble! Do your thing, Trevor. We'll catch up later."
"No, I keep putting you off and I feel bad about it. I'll call right back. Sorry, Ish."
Trevor stood up as a wizened old nun puttered in.
"Sister Mary, what seems to be the problem? You're screaming bloody murder while I'm on the phone."
"I'm sorry, Deacon, but this is an emergency! We've been robbed!"
"Well, hold on now. What was taken?"
"My sacred candy hearts!"
"...Your what now?"
"They were in a jar on the mantle! It's open and they're gone!"
"Wait...you think someone broke in to steal candy hearts? We can buy another bag at The Pantry."
The wizened old nun spit dust. "Buy...another...bag? Do you even know what the sacred candy hearts were? I was meticulously hand painting the psalms on these tiny hearts. It was hours and hours and hours of my time. I was almost finished! They were irreplaceable! I cannot just buy another bag!"
Sister Mary was red.
Trevor was pale.
Yes, these chalky candy hearts had tiny words on them, but don't they all? They were sitting in a candy dish above the fireplace for all to enjoy!
He was now very afraid of this wizened old nun.
"I...didn't know...there was anything special about them. I...offered them to our visitors...I'm sorry."
Trevor thought the wizened old nun's eyes were going to fall out of her head.
"Not...not all of them! There's still some left, right?" He slowly circled around her.
"YOU GAVE THEM AWAY!"
"Let's go see right now!" Trevor ran down the hall to the living room.
The jar was mostly empty, one pink one lay at the bottom.
"Here's one right here!" He held it up as a vampire hunter would hold a cross. Part righteous-power, part please-don't-kill-me. Sister Mary was on his heels with fire in her eyes.
She still had the composure to ask, "Read it to me! I don't have my looking glass."
Trevor held his breath and silently said a half-second prayer.
Please don't let this be one of those psalms about smiting.
Trevor could not have picked a better psalm out of the Bible.
"Happy are those whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered."
The wizened old nun's posture softened. She breathed and actively took control of herself. "Psalm 32. All right, Deacon, all right. We can just ask your visitors to give them back. It will be okay, I apologize for the outburst."
"Give them back? But they were candies. We...ah, we ate them."
"What's going on now? You sound out of breath. Everything okay?"
"Oh yeah. All good. Just a nun calling me a motherfucker."