College Cups: south dakota

04 January 2010

University of South Dakota

5 Aug 2009. Word problem time! If you are in Brookings and the University Bookstore in Vermillion closes in two hours, can you make it? Answer: Yes, but only if the stragglers from USD student orientation day are still shopping, thus keeping the doors open past closing time.
The bookstore cashier, the Oprah Winfrey show, and now the College Cup Project all recommend the fresh bread from Jones Food Center.

Frank tossed his dark greasy combover out of his face. He coughed out some sputum, gagging on it in the process. Several children looked behind and gave Frank dirty looks. They shuffled forward into the crowd.

******

The kids were gathered to see Vermillion, star of the newest hit of what would later be called TV's Golden Age. The show revolved around a heroic half coyote named for the town in which Animal Control workers captured him as a pup. But unlike the eight Rin Tin Tins who fought along soldiers and police, and the thirty-five Lassies who protected farm towns, the one and only Vermillion patrolled the Wild West. It was the mixture of adventures, westerns, and animal acting that proved irresistible to young American couch potatoes.

Vermillion's lack of suitable backup (trained wild dogs with similar angular bodies were hard to come by) was his greatest asset as well as a liability. His handlers knew this. His co-stars knew this. His enemies knew this.

At appearances, his young fans were assured they were seeing the real deal. And jobs for people like Frank were made easier. Instead of a dozen dogs, Frank only had a single animal's reputation to destroy.

******

Vermillion was kicking off his cross country trip to the Emmy Awards in L.A. with a sendoff in his hometown in South Dakota. A knotholed faux-wood stage was set up on the lawn in front of Old Main Hall. A chrome sided bus chugged into the parking lot. Kids cheered as the show's moppet sidekick, Timmy, portrayed by li'l Tommy Brokaw, exited the bus. Vermillion and his handlers followed. The cheers got louder as they walked onto the stage. Tommy read his notecards, thanking the town and urging the kids to get their parents to watch the Emmys in support of their favorite coyote descendant. Vermillion's handlers unhooked him from his leash and led him in a few tricks: flips, leaps, and catches.

While the audience was entranced, Frank made his way to the middle of the crowd. He suddenly noticed how he was two feet taller than the majority of the audience. His anxiety kicked in. His mission got cloudy in his head. It had to do with the vial in his pocket. Drink it? No, no. Is this scent good, bad? Is it supposed to go on the dog or the crowd or himself or that kid Tommy? He could not quite remember. The kids around him got more uncomfortable. Some left to tell their parents. One boy got uppity.

"Hey, I was here first!" The boy kicked Frank in the shin. Frank winced and moved a few feet away. He noticed some of the parents in the back moving toward him with unfriendly faces. He panicked. He hoped the mission somehow would be accomplished as he uncorked the vial. Frank flicked his wrist, spraying bear scent on the children in front of him. He shook out the last of the drops and didn't look back. Some parents yelled "Hey you!" to the taxi taking Frank back across town.

Vermillion's nose instantly picked up the scent of his species' greatest natural enemy, the bear. He hadn't experienced it since his first few months of life, but it was hardwired into the brains of every coyote. It clicked a switch in Vermillion that activated an unforeseen aggression. His handlers were not ready for it.

Vermillion jumped off the stage and into the crowd. He clamped onto the first leg he could get his jaws around. He flung the horrified child aside. He continued to bite like wild, ears down, barking fiercely. The kids screamed and dispersed, running to their parents. The chaos only confused and aggravated Vermillion. His handlers jumped down and struggled to corral him with ropes and a muzzle. Vermillion, now foaming, responded with bites to their calves. They finally had to violently sedate him with a tranquilizer syringe. The kids who were still nearby and were witness to the squeal and collapse of their TV hero started bawling.

Tommy stayed on stage the whole time, shocked like everyone else. He didn't flee, like his peers. His unflappability was what made him a great child actor. And, in this particular case, it helped him memorize the face of a strange man with a combover.

******

"You forgot what you were supposed to do? You idiot! The scent goes on your legs! What do you think you were wearing biteproof pants for?"
"I got nervous. Ever'body was lookin' at me like I was guilty of somethin' when I hadn't done anythin' yet."
"Now you have done something. Now people will be looking at you. This is a disaster thanks to you. I got the paper right here: five kids and a handler taken to the hospital for stitches."
"I'm sorry, I know. So...I will understand if I only get 50% of the fee for - "
"50%?? Are you insane? That's why you called? You screwed up large and you're getting nothing! Like hell I'm going to be linked to an assault on some six-year-olds. Don't try to contact me again, Frank."
Click.
"Hello? ...Hello? ...Oh." Frank put down the receiver slowly. He walked into the kitchen and hocked a substantial loogie into the sink. Usually that gave him temporary relief. But not today.

USD's Old Main Hall

28 December 2009

South Dakota State University

5 Aug 2009. "I need something with a bunny on it!" Ahh, I left satisfied. SDSU's logo wasn't bad before (a ripoff of Bugs Bunny) but it wasn't great either. The running rabbit is one of the best upgrades around. Royal blue and gold dust. Great nickname, great colors, great design. A credit to the Lagomorph order.

It was raining cats and dogs. And rabbits.
"It's locked!"
"You don't have keys to your own office?!"
"They're locked in my car! You're the janitor! You should have a skeleton key or something."
"'Skeleton Key'? I'm not a witch doctor. If you mean master key, then no I don't have it. I was already on my way out when you flagged me down. It's back in the admin building."
The janitor splashed away in his golf cart. South Dakota State University President Brookings huddled under the SDSU Campanile, getting soaked.
A lightning bolt flashed nearby, followed immediately by a tremendous crack of thunder. A gust of wind blew through a tree towards the bell tower, sending streams of water onto Brookings' front. He handled his tie, inspecting it.
That can't be good for the silk.

******

Seconds earlier and a hundred feet above, a hawk was caught in the storm, trying to get home for dinner. Dinner tonight was a young hare in its clutches. Even with hawk's eyes, it was difficult to navigate.
Luckily, there was a flash of light to help.
Unluckily, it consisted of lightning.
With a BURST and a BOOM, the hawk, now roasted, dropped to earth. The petrified hare fell through some branches and bounced against a cold, hard surface. This knocked it unconscious as it continued to descend. Down the bricks of the Campanile. Between the mounted aluminum SDSU lettering.
And into the hands of a man in a long black wool overcoat and a ruined tie.

******

Brookings heard a faint clang from the Campanile. He looked up. His palms were still open. And now they were filled with wet rabbit.
It was just a bunny, no bigger than a silicone breast implant, and about as lifeless and unnerving to hold.
The janitor returned and opened up the doors to the president's office. They both walked in and dried off.
"Whatcha doing with that muddy little thing?"
"It just fell from the sky!"
"A flying rabbit??"
"I don't know. Do rabbits nest in trees now?"
"No, they don't. You know a sky-rabbit is a sign of the end times. It's in Revelations."
"What?"
"I'll drive you to your car. Found your spare keys?"
Brookings dug through his desk drawers. "Actually...no. I don't know where...I can't find them! I'll have to call my wife. She can bring our other spares, then drive me to my car."
He thanked the janitor and sent him home.

******

Brookings called his wife, who appeared fifteen minutes later. Running in from the rain, she found him making a bunny-burrito. His tie was the tortilla and his desk lamp was the incubator.
"Hi, Suzette. You happen to have a hare dryer?"
"What?" She walked over to his bundle.
"Oh, hare dryer. Ha ha. How long were you waiting to say that?"
"Fifteen minutes. You dealt with rabbits before?"
"Yes, and hares, too. Which this little guy is, a leveret to be specific."
"I was trying to warm it up. It fell from the bell tower."
"From the bell tower? At least he's still breathing. It's difficult to look for broken bones on such a small specimen. Gut feeling right now is, he won't make it. The desk lamp was a good idea, but here, put your tie away. Do you have any cotton towels?"
"You can check the kitchenette." Brookings pointed down the hall. Suzette returned with a white dish towel and a bowl of soapy water.
"I didn't know you had a veterinary case or I'd have brought some supplies."
"What are you doing?"
"If I can't treat the injuries, at least I can clean him up some. He's filthy. Oh! He's opened his eyes!"
"Really? Wow! Suzette, you're amazing."
"I do this all the time. No big deal." The bunny wanted to move but could not stand. It tried to drag itself away with its front paws. It didn't get very far.
"Whoa, now, boy. Don't go throwing yourself off the table." Suzette found an empty Splenda box in the kitchenette. She placed the towel and the bunny inside.
"He's not returning to the wild anytime soon, or else he'd be eaten in ten minutes. We're keeping him."
"How about right over there?" said Brookings, pointing to a corner in his office.
"What, here in your office? Are you sure? It might get smelly."
"I can keep the windows open, or move him to the kitchenette or the patio if it gets bad." Suzette turned to the hare.
"You hear that? You have a new home..." She turned to Brookings.
"Ah, well, if you're keeping him, you get to name him."
"Hmm, okay. How about - "
A fierce BOOM shook the entire Campanile and office. An ugly-sounding RIP and CRACK sounded above. The lights went out. Water seeped through the ceiling. A spat of bricks fell and broke into pieces on the sidewalk below. Brookings and Suzette walked to the window, watching the falling debris.
"Did we just get hit by lightning??"
"Suzette, look!" Brookings pointed at the soggy lawn. The aluminum letters had been blasted off the side of the Campanile. The SDSU now lay scrambled as

S U D S

Brookings and Suzette both turned back to the infirm rabbit. He was still covered in soap bubbles, gnawing a flap of cardboard.
Brookings said, "I was thinking 'The Electrodent' but 'Suds' works too."

******

Suds The Rabbit, who grew domesticated but healthy, became the symbol of South Dakota State athletics. His finest moment, aside from surviving a hundred-foot drop, was during the annual Homecoming Week, when he headlined the parade. He wore a tiny toga, which he gnawed on, and was drawn in a mini chariot by a remote control car decorated with lightning bolts.
After Suds passed away, he was replaced by 'Jack', a student in a rabbit suit and a blue beret.