Fairfield University

16 Nov 2009. The recognizable image and ubiquity of the deer in the U.S. make it popular on seals and coats of arms. But it is rarely a sports mascot despite its speed, strength, and knives on its head. A pro basketball team has taken 'Bucks' and Fairfield is trying hard with 'Stags' though even that sounds a bit shady. Limited, wussy synonyms are holding the deer back. Yet on the feline side we have panthers, tigers, lions, cougars, wildcats, tiger-cats, and bearcats (which is totally made-up, where are the beardogs, the eaglemoose, and the sharkdeer?).


*vomit*
"Gggghhhhh." Benny remained stooped over, one hand on the hefty planter of mountain laurel, the other over his stomach. Light snow started gathering on his back. He looked up and saw his neon green work.
"Frakking ABSINTHE. I will never, never, never, NEVER drink like that again."
Blue light flickered off the street sign ahead. Benny recognized the light pattern without having to turn.
"Please no cops. Please no cops. Don't want another drunk in public. I just want to sit here in this...what is this...bank parking lot for a little while more."
The blue lights mellowed to green. Benny rubbed his eyes and commanded them to
"See normal!"
but the lights stayed green. He finally turned around to face the law.
Sure enough, it was the cops. A green and white police cruiser with a green light bar and...green headlights? It momentarily mesmerized Benny.
"Never seen one of those."
The driver side door opened. The aviatored female cop asked her rhetorical questions quickly and authoritatively.
"Someone called in a report of alcohol renunciation at this location. Do you know anything about this, sir?"
"Uh, I don't have my phone. What is a renunciation?"
"Did you recently swear off drinking, sir?"
"I...I don't know. Maybe." Benny glanced at the side of the cruiser: GREEN FAIRY SHERIFF. Green Fairy?? Was that by Mystic? That was a good hour away!
The cop suddenly produced a clipboard from nowhere. "Take a listen: 'I will never, never, never, never drink like that again.' Sound familiar?"
"Are you going to arrest me or not?"
"You will be visited tonight by our cervine patrolmen. They'll handle it from here. Have a good night." The cop scribbled a few notes on her clipboard and drove off.

Benny stood, blinking. He didn't know where he was, or what happened that night. He did know he was not waiting for any other cops. Before he could start off in any non-face-first direction, a sharp pop made Benny jump. A light at the bank's entrance had burnt out with the piercing of...an antler. Its attached voice came straight from the frat house.
"Whoa! I'm still not used to these things. Got 'em last week, you know. My first renunciation. I guess I did pretty well." The deer admired his rack in the bank window.
"What's going on? What did I drink??"
"It's not what you drank, dude, it's what you promised not to drink. Do you have any idea what your life would be like without alcohol? How many good things have happened to you because of it?"
"Anybody see this? I'm getting lectures from TALKING DEER HERE!!"
"Relax, dude. Just go with it. Now climb on up, it's time for some show and tell."
The deer flicked his head. Benny's feet gave out from under him. Instead of bruising his tailbone, he flew up onto the deer's back. Benny grabbed onto the green-velveted antlers.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Easy on the sweet antlers. Hold the scruff, thanks."
Benny looped his arms around the deer's neck. The deer walked into the empty street. He started up into a gallop.
"Didn't our officer tell you I was coming, dude?"
"..She...I don't know...I'm not in my best mind right now."
"Yeah, but who ever is?"
The deer leaped over some shrubs. It didn't land, instead rising higher in the snowy sky. Benny wove his fingers together, putting a skinny-boy death grip on his ride.
"Jeezum crow, ghost deer! What is happening!?"
"I already said, show and tell. And my name's J.M." - the deer affected an over-the-top macabre voice - "your Spirit of Liquors Paaaast."

The deer and rider appeared in the middle of a cafeteria. The tables were lined with chafing dishes and young people, both reflecting the flood of fresh daylight.
"Recognize this?" asked J.M.
Benny answered, "Sure, it's the dining hall back at Fairfield."
"More specifically?"
An older student dressed in black walked past. "There's my old roommate, Trevor. Hey Trevor!"
"Don't worry about that, they can't see us. Pay attention, Benny. Look." J.M. nodded to the end of a long table. Trevor sat and started chatting with a blonde. The body language said they had just met.
"Cynthia! I think, hmm, I think this is - "
J.M. and Benny stepped back as the younger Benny walked past them. Young Benny was carrying a tray and sat next to Trevor. Young Benny waved hello and started in on his stack of waffles.
"Yes! This is where I first met Cynthia. Surprised she talked to me after this. Not my finest moment."
"Oh, no?"
"Look at me, still swaying, face first into my breakfast. Too much whatever from the night before."
"Jagermeister."
"Huh?"
"You had 7 Jagerbombs the night before. Pretty strong performance. Benny, if you hadn't had the urge to stifle your hangover with a super stack of dining hall waffles, you'd never have met your future wife. You follow yet?"
"Because of...Jagermeister, that's why you're here? Why not thank the waffles?"
"I don't see the ghost of Aunt Jemima parading you around. Waffles don't factor into the next one. Cassie will take over from here, dude."
"Who's Cassie?"
Benny looked over his shoulder. A golden stag motioned J.M. away. The floor dropped out from underneath. The people and plateware melted into wisps. The walls collapsed and the light shrank from view. Benny found himself atop his new friend.

"Cassie, huh."
"Mucho gusto." Benny was surprised to hear a feminine voice from a 12-point buck.
"I didn't think lady deers had antlers."
"No es realidad, Benny."
"Right."

Cassie and Benny landed on an open grassy area. Cement paths criss-crossed the lawn. Towering above them was a larger-than-life bronze sculpture of Fairfield's stag mascot. Benny dismounted and got his balance. He pointed to a building a couple hundred yards away.
"That's the dining hall there. Did we really need to travel through space and time? We could have just walked."
"Silencio. Mira."
Benny shut his mouth and looked. The moon and emergency blue lights illuminated two people walking toward the statue. Cassie and Benny backed off.
"Okay, okay, the dining hall thing was a stretch, but this - this definitely has alcohol to thank."
"¿Por qué?"
"You didn't have to bring me here, I remember this vividly. Maybe not clearly, but vividly. Does that make sense? I don't care. I had just returned from Spring Break in Cancun. I brought Cynthia back a souvenir, but the tequila was to help me with my courage as well."
"¿Tequila?"
"Yes, it was - " Benny smirked at Cassie. "Ha! It was Cazadores! Verrry clever."
"Aquí es donde usted pediste que Cynthia le casara."
"And she said yes."
"Tu recuerdas muy bien."
"Of course I remember it well. I've always liked this deer statue. Very classy. Classy for Cassie. Hey, you're a deer. What do you think of it? Is it anatomically correct?"
Cassie grunted a deer laugh. "Es muy grande."
"What's big? The statue, or the antlers, or...?"
Cassie winked.
"Ha! No es realidad, right??"
"Sí."
Young Benny slipped the ring on Cynthia's finger.
They kissed and embraced.
And faded from view.

"EVENIN' BENNY!"
"No need to yell!" Benny was now grasping a shaggy black mane. He tried to raise his head to see who was driving or where he was going.
"Keep ya head down now! I knob a lot of renunciations, I don't want to knob you!"
The thick coarse hair matched the thick coarse Scottish accent.
"And I'm shoutin' to warm up your ears, coz it's gonna get LOUD!"
The hairy deer sped across the night sky. He descended toward a sparkling rainbow of pinpoint lights. The lights grew bigger. Building outlines came into view.
Benny and deer #3 were not slowing down.
"Hey, deer, sir, hey. Hey, uh, my stomach's still not 100%. So, please watch - "
The new deer spastically dipped, spun around the now-visible hotel complex, and stopped on a dime in the loading dock. Benny was rocked off onto the concrete.
"Oof. You enjoyed that, didn't you?"
"Always do. Name's Glen, not that you'll be using it. You're on your own for this one."
Benny didn't respond. He was taking stock of Glen's mess of antlers.
"Wow, 64 points? I didn't know that was possible."
"How many talking deer do you have to meet to realize this isn't real? Now get to that night club!"
Glen turned tail and booted Benny in the backside. He fell into the waiting freight elevator. The doors closed and brought him down, down, down. When they opened, he wandered to the end of the hall. Scattered matchbooks on the ground told him he was in the Mohegan Sun casino. Cocktail waitresses were walking in and out a pair of double doors. He pushed his way in. Thumping house music assaulted his eardrums.
"The night club at the Mohegan Sun? What is this all about?"
A guy in a too-big sport coat wobbled past. He held the waist of a glammed-up blonde in one hand and a bottle of Glenfiddich in the other.
"Cynthia?"
Benny, finally getting used to his invisibility, defiantly followed his wife and her companion. All three stumbled into the men's bathroom.

The freight elevator dinged hello. Benny, in his 'borrowed' sport coat, and Cynthia, in her little black dress, staggered out under power of bouncers.
Glen watched, puffing on an Arturo Fuente.
The bouncers and the couple exchanged shouts. The couple finally ended up shuffling across the parking lot.
Ghost Benny took the next elevator up. He confronted Glen.
"Why would you show me that? That was the single most embarrassing thing I have done. What's worse, I don't even remember any of it!"
Glen dropped his cigar and stamped it out, staying silent.
"Let me understand this now: J.M. shows me when I meet Cynthia, Cassie shows me proposing to her, and you show me getting thrown out of an Indian casino for having sex in their night club bathroom? One of these things is not like the others, Glen!"
"This one is a little less clear." Glen cleared his throat, lowering the volume. "But you really aren't seeing the common thread here?"
"What common thread?"
"Hmm. We may have jumped the gun then. Thought you knew."
"Thought I knew what?"
"I'll let her tell you."
Glen disappeared in a puff of smoke. The Mohegan Sun followed.

Benny, back in Fairfield, blinked his eyes. He shivered. A light layer of snow had gathered on his hair and sweater. He slowly pulled himself up the fence of...his house. He couldn't remember leaving the bank parking lot. Making his way in the front door, he kicked off his shoes, trying to be quiet. He didn't try hard enough. They knocked against the bannister with a thunk.
He swished with mouthwash in the front bathroom before heading upstairs.
Cynthia headed him off.
"Benny? Is that you?"
"Cynthia?"
Cynthia came out of the bedroom. "What happened?"
"I lost my phone. I'm okay though. How are you doing?"
"I'm fine. I got some news for you."
"Uh oh, good news doesn't come in the middle of the night."
"It came earlier today. I tried to call and tell you!...I'm pregnant!"
"Pregnant?  Pregnant!  We're having a baby! That is good news! That's amazing! Ohh...."
"What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. Hey, when were we at the Mohegan Sun last?"
"The casino? That was our anniversary, almost a year ago."
"Not quite a year. Nine months ago!"
"Nine months? You think that - "
"I know that."
"Great. We'll never be able to tell our kid his conception story."
"I'm sure he or she will be totally fine with that, Cynthia."
"Let's just stick to the stork story."
"Okay, the stork. Or the deer. Three wonderful, magical deer brought us our baby. One was green and talked with a surfer accent, one was a Mexican doe, and one was a 64-point Scottish buck."
"Uh, sure, why not. Benny, are you feeling well enough to celebrate? We still have some scotch left if you are."
Benny instinctively opened the upstairs liquor cabinet. His smile disappeared for a moment. He paused and looked closer at the bottle. He turned on the mini spotlight to examine the deer logo on the Glenfiddich bottle. He caught himself counting antler points again. He blinked and closed the cabinet door.
"Changed your mind, Benny?"
"Yeah, not now. I want to remember this celebration."
Benny clicked off the cabinet light and led Cynthia into the bedroom.

Outside, in the early morning snowfall, three deer grazed through Benny's front yard.
The bedroom light above them flickered on.  The deer took notice.
After a few minutes, the light faded away.
As did the deer.

Rider University

13 Nov 2009. Does that horse's eye look right to you? It's kind of rolling back in its head. Is this out of pleasure, fear, pain, sarcasm, hallucinogens - what is it?? I'll stay on my high horse and won't accept that it's just bad art.


THE PRESIDENT REQUESTS YOUR PRESENCE AT CITY HALL LAWRENCEVILLE NEW JERSEY SATURDAY NINE A.M. ~ STOP ~ TO BE FOLLOWED BY A PUBLIC APPEARANCE ~ STOP ~ R.S.V.P. AT EARLIEST CONVENIENCE ~ STOP ~ SINCERELY MR. AND MRS. WOODROW WILSON

"Mr. Riis, take a look at this telegram. What do you suppose that minister's boy means by this?" Theodore Roosevelt passed the paper over to Jacob Riis, his mousy journalist friend.
"It means you'll be taking a trip to the haberdasher before long. You're not one to resist a public appearance, TR!"
Roosevelt laughed. "Indeed I am not. But does he intend to draw me into a public debate? That would be quite uncharacteristic of the ol' Virginia gentleman. Just in case, I will need to dress for both formality and aggression. The blackest of black top hats and tailcoat. Oh, I will be ready for you, Wilson!"

******

Wilson checked his pocketwatch in between sentences. Roosevelt had replied with an affirmative response to the invitation but had not yet shown up. He was nowhere to be found for the pre-announcement briefing, and Wilson could not delay speaking to the impatient press much longer. He had no choice but to begin and hope against hope.
So there he stood, on the stage decorated with maroon and white bunting, sweating it out and talking in circles. It began well enough. Wilson dove into his signature 'Three Points' program governing foreign policy. He stretched his words, fearing that he would repeat himself, outlining his views on free trade and open diplomacy.
When the time came to introduce Roosevelt and the issue at hand, he was still on his own. Wilson adjusted his glasses, laughed nervously, and pretended to shuffle his notes. Improvisation was not his strength.
He glanced back to Edith, who held up three fingers on one hand. She then firmly shot up her little finger, then her thumb, then all five fingers on her other hand. Wilson blinked.
Time to get specific.
"But to aid in achieving these Three Points, there are certain measures we can take as a nation to assure their coming into being.
So, fourthly, the American government will require that adequate guarantees are given and taken that national armaments will be reduced to the lowest points consistent with domestic safety."
Wilson's mind shot back to his drafts of the Three Points. There were too many details to include in that broad agenda. But now that he had time and an audience, they came surging back to his brainfront.
As he continued, the original number of issues had now tripled.
"Ninth, the frontiers of Italy ought to be readjusted clearly along recognizable lines of nationality."
His shoulders fell back, his vest seemed tighter around his chest, and his lively hand gestures complemented his now expanded Fourteen Points.
"Fourteenth, a general association of nations must be assembled with the purpose of guaranteeing political independence and territorial integrity!"
With this last declaration, Wilson pumped his fist in the air as his voice crescendoed skyward. The crowd ate it up and cheered wildly. At this point they weren't paying attention to the words but to the man. Wilson was not one to let emotions get control of him, and they were massively enjoying it almost as much as he was.
He would not go any further. A man sitting head and shoulders above the rest bobbed his way toward the stage. Theodore Roosevelt, in dusty formalwear, jumped from his horse and onto the stage.
"Fifteenth, my rump is numb!"
The crowd laughed. A mob of photographers, including Jacob Riis, stormed the stage to get a shot of Wilson and Roosevelt together. Both men were beaming. They exchanged hearty two-handed handshakes and quick words. Roosevelt sat next to Edith. Wilson took back the podium.
"I am honored to share the stage with President Roosevelt. Here is a man who never breaks his word, even when a malfunctioning motorcar forces him to commandeer a farmer's horse and ride the remaining miles!" Wilson pauses and allows the crowd to calm down.
"And that is why we are here today. Lawrenceville State College has been gracious to stage this event for us today. But after we are finished here, it will no longer be referred to by that name. In honor of our esteemed guest, President Roosevelt, the Dakota Bronc, The Colonel, The Rough Rider..."
Applause.
"...the school will be appointing him to the Board of Trustees..."
Roosevelt looked shocked.
"...under its first year with a new name. May I present...Rough Rider College!"
Two huge white curtains were pulled apart to reveal a maroon and white painting of the new school seal. Roosevelt turned to admire the giant banner. He stood up and ran his hands across the canvas. When he turned back to the crowd, his eyes were shining. Wilson gave the 'by-all-means' arm sweep. Roosevelt stepped to the microphone.
"After all the unkind things I have said about President Wilson, I truly don't deserve this. But it is this brand of generosity that makes him a great leader of our great country, no matter what this upcoming November has in store. With this new responsibility, I vow to make this school a place of vigorous learning in the spirit of our Founding Fathers. It will be a bully good university!"
Roosevelt doffed his top hat. The brass band drowned out the cheers with Hail to the Chief. The crowd dispersed. The executive and former executive made their way offstage.
"I cannot believe you turned three points into fourteen!"
"I had no choice, did I? You need to rid yourself of that bucket of bolts Ford, and upgrade to a Pierce-Arrow. Rides like no other."
"A new motorcoach is not in the cards right now."
"Oh, no?"
"The Amazon calls, Mr. Wilson!"