University of Victoria

"Bloody rabbits!"

The Queen threw down another handful of mangled geraniums.

"Pests are to be expected, my darling.  This isn't Osborne House.  The Dominion is still a place of wild animals, especially the island."

"Oh Albert, you have a steady voice of reason for such a busybody.  What if I told you the gazebo is sinking into the reflecting pool due to gopher tunnels?"

Albert whipped his head around and threw off his coat.

"What?  It's sinking?  I even switched from stone balustrades to wooden!  Find those gophers!"

The Queen touched Albert's shoulder.

"Calm down!  I'm only teasing."

Albert smirked.  He shook his balding head at his Queen.

Victoria smiled back.

She brushed the soil from Albert's coat.

"But as for the butchered gardens...we really do need to get a handle on these rabbits."

******

"Herr von Humboldt?"

"Ja."

"Sir, you have a telegram."

"And you have my permission to read it to me."

Alexander von Humboldt, biologist, sailor, writer, sat in the cabin in his docked ship.  He was hunched over his desk, carefully sorting feathers.  The unusually calm North Pacific waters allowed for a floating laboratory.  He didn't look up as the messenger boy began:

"DR VON HUMBOLDT

HRH QUEEN VICTORIA REQUESTS ZOOLOGICAL ASSISTANCE

VICTORIA GARDENS OVERRUN WITH RABBITS, OTHER PESTS

TRAPPING NOT EFFECTIVE

GRAND OPENING SATURDAY

PLEASE RESPOND AT - "

Von Humboldt held up his hand.

"Stop now.  Wait.  Victoria Gardens?  The Queen - and the prince, too, I suppose - is here...on Vancouver Island?"

Von Humboldt motioned for the boy to give him the telegram.  He lowered his spectacles and re-read it, softly mouthing the words.  The boy readied some paper and a pencil.

"I am ready to take your reply, sir."

"No need, mein kinder.  I shall set sail to deliver my advice personally."

******

Von Humboldt's clipper arrived at the inner harbour of the town of Victoria.  His crew tied the ship down under the sunny breezes.  Markets and inns hoisted colorful banners celebrating the upcoming event.  Carriages lined up for disembarking passengers.  Von Humboldt walked up onto Victoria Street.

"More Victorias?  I am already confused."

He summoned a carriage for the 30 minute ride to Victoria Gardens.  He admired his gift to the Queen, a stuffed yellow finch arranged on a tree branch.

When he arrived, Albert was speeding every direction, giving every direction.

"Dr. Von Humboldt!  What brings you here?"

"Your Highness!  It is my pleasure.  I came to assist with the Queen's gardens, as she requested."

"Yes, she did request it.  Several days ago.  But you did not reply, so we had no choice but to seek help from your peers."

"...My peers?"

The Queen rode up on a white horse.  In her red summer gown, she was a sight even without the reflective shine of the dewy air.  The horseman guided the animal toward Albert, who reached up to the Queen.

"Let me help you down, my darling."

"Thank you, Albert.  Dr. Von Humboldt!  I did not know you were coming, what a surprise!"

Von Humboldt bowed.

"Your highness.  I felt that it was too much of a coincidence for us to be so far from home, yet so close, that my assistance beyond telegram was in order."
"How kind of you to make the journey.  I knew you were embedded in your work and did not want to pester you."

"Not at all.  Speaking of my work, I brought you this.  This finch is one specimen we caught off one of the many bays to the south.  Now to the problem at hand, I believe I have the solution to your rabbit problem."

The horseman spoke up.

"That problem is solved, Alexander."

The horseman tied up the reins.  He removed his hat to reveal a tuft of blonde hair.

"Charles?" gasped Von Humboldt.

The Queen said, "When we found out Dr. Darwin was in town for the Grand Opening, we just had to seek him out.  It's not very often you can consult an expert on natural selection for a garden pest problem."

"I'd like to know how this expert handled it." said Von Humboldt.

"Marmots.  The Island Marmot is one of the more fierce larger rodents.  Very territorial.  Will not hesitate to fight in defence.  We introduced a few crates of them from the north of the island to the gardens.  I challenge you to find a rabbit here this fine afternoon."
"Then the problem becomes a marmot overpopulation!"

"That remains to be seen, but for this weekend, Victoria Gardens take top precedence."

The Queen said, "We certainly appreciate your help, Dr. Darwin.  Now, Dr. Von Humboldt, thank you for the finch.  Isn't that an odd coincidence?"

"Hmm?"

"Dr. Darwin brought us some finches as well!"

She pointed over to the gazebo.  An ornate bird cage held five brightly colored songbirds.

"He kept them alive all the way from...what was the name of those islands again?"

"The Galapagos, Your Highness."  Darwin turned to Von Humboldt.  "1000 kilometers from the mainland."

Von Humboldt sneered.  "Yes, I am aware of the Galapagos.  I have sailed near them in the past."

"But not actually to them."

 "I'm sorry, I've been too busy having universities named after me."

"Gentlemen!  This is most unbecoming of men of your scientific stature.  It is a time of celebration and conviviality, remember that.  Dr. Von Humboldt, Victoria is a small town, but the wildlife around would captivate you.  Perhaps you should take a stroll."

"Thank you for your hospitality, Your Highness."

"Yes, thank you, Your Highness."

Darwin and Von Humboldt bowed as the Queen went to find Albert.

Darwin turned to Von Humboldt.

"So what was your solution to the rabbits, anyway?"

"Only the best hunting dogs in all of Deutschland.  Now I plan to use them to clean up your marmot disaster."

"I was called upon to eliminate the rabbits.  And I did.  Any issues afterward can be solved by nature.  The question is will the reputation of the Queen's second favorite German survive a misstep like today's?"

"Oh?  It is a question now of survival?"

"Of the fittest."

Neither the marmots nor the hunting dogs worked in the long run.

Humboldt State University

7 Mar 2008. When in Arcata, do as the granola-eating, hemp-growing, earth-massaging Lumberjack fans do, and get a California Springs reusable water bottle.
The Humboldt Bodtle and the Towson Tumbler get daily usage, while the rest of the cup collection holds my dust collection.

Alexander von Humboldt: Mr. Darwin, the days grow weary.
Charles Darwin: I, too, feel the nostalgia of adventures past filling my head, Herr Von Humboldt.
AVH: Ho! Those salad days do not have to end quite yet!
CD: What say you?
AVH: I challenge you to a race around the Cape!
CD: But my cape is still at the tailors, kind sir!
AVH: Nay! The Cape Horn!
CD: Ah! My loins fill with great anticipation! The parameters, praytell!
AVH: We aim for the great northern California bay, coordinates 40'45' N, 124'12' W.
CD: Gadzooks! The journey itself will be a reward.
AVH: Patience, knave. The government of Spain has chartered a school of higher learning in the baytown. The winner shall be written into the charter and will be the namesake to that institution!
CD: Mystical carp gullets! Pardon my language, but a Darwin University in the new world! Dare I dream so?
AVH: An equal chance to dream for Humboldt University, have I.
CD: Then preparations must begin.
AVH: To be fair, as I knew of the Spanish charter five days beforehand, I will give you a sporting chance on this competition. When your vessel clears the horizon, it will be, let us agree, a full seven days to the minute until my departure.
CD: Indeed a charitable gesture, kind sir. Are we allowed to bypass the Cape completely?
AVH: What intriguing ideas are there swimming in your brain pool?
CD: A camel convoy crossing of the Central American continent. A short-cut if you will.
AVH: Sweet degrees of bonhomie and chagrin! I failed to allow for the Dar-win-at-all-costs ingenuity! All routes are fair game. Feel free to discover the Northwest Passage in your spare time, you swashbuckler!
CD: You flatter me, Alexander. I wish you luck.
AVH: May the best man win, Charles.

Alexander kept his promise to depart one week later than Charles. Charles did indeed complete a dromedary portage over the Nicaraguan isthmus. Thus he arrived in the bay one month before Alexander. He was surprised to see it marked on local maps as Humboldt Bay. But he was pleased to see the construction on the university already beginning. Inquiry into the Spanish charter revealed the school already had a name: The Humboldt Institute of California. The Spanish governor was adamant about the name, and was not entertaining any ideas about name changes. The story of cross country camels did little to change el jefe's mind. Charles had many questions upon Alexander's arrival.

CD: Alexander, you must speak to the governor! He claims to have heard nothing about our contest. And the school and bay are already named Humboldt!
AVH: Already named Humboldt? What a strange coincidence! None of my relatives have ever been here, and I certainly never have.
A local man in a woven poncho walks by with two small boys in tow.
AVH: Greetings Enrique! The twins are growing strong I see! Well, Charles, I guess we have to call this contest a draw. Better luck next time, eh? I have a ride to catch.

Alexander leaped onto a locomotive pulling out of the depot. The local children chased the steam engine while he doffed his sailor's hat and waved to the village. The freight cars had the words Humboldt Railways painted on the sides in green and gold lettering.

CD: I've been had! B...b...by that cad! ...Alexander von Humboldt, you've had a nice laugh, but I will claim the last one!

The last painting that Alexander and Charles would pose for as friends.